The Other Side Of The Wall

Have you ever wondered where you fit in on the planet and what the heck you are really supposed to be doing here?

Throughout most of my waking life when not creating, I was pretty much ….asleep. I just couldn’t figure out how to be happy and where my art would ever fit in. I just always felt so out of place.

As a young adult, I continued forward but with no focus, no direction, and always waiting for something “out there” to tell me what the heck I was supposed to be doing on this planet I couldn’t disappear from. I mean, I wanted to be seen, but I felt SO EXPOSED when anyone was actually looking!

A TRUE TORTUROUS SCENARIO!!! TORN AND CONFUSED!!!!

The Earth journey would go a little something like this:  “How to get through life and when will it end? A journey you can trust!”

“But how can you be so sad when you are so PRETTY!!!!” Said the nice men I met after work once. (Really?!!!!!) Well…they WERE just trying to help, I guess.

THE HIGHER OFFERING

Around the mid nineties and in the middle of the night, I am pretty sure help came. It was a voice (yes-a REAL inner/outer audible voice) asking me if I was “ready”. I was totally freaked out and asked back, “Ready for what?”

My fears raced, with the biggest fear being the possibility that I’d be taken through outer space by aliens! I didn’t wait for “it” to answer again and I quickly blurted out, “NO!”, with that connection quickly broken!

…but what if…… it was an angel??? (sigh).

That night stuck with me for many years after because I WAS asking for help from the Universe, but with my conditioning at the time I just couldn’t trust what I didn’t recognize. I always knew that I may have turned away something good.

THE ROAD OF THE TORTOISE

I continued chasing the answers for, “How to get through life and when will it end?” and it led me to counseling twice a week. I explained to the therapist that I was looking for life tools and well, “how to get through life and when will it end?!”

The counselor tried to put me on medication but I felt it would probably numb my creativity-the one part of me that I liked!

NOTE:
I learned later in my healing journey that pain energy is meant to be felt! That’s how it gets noticed! From here we can heal it! If we try and ignore it -or numb it- it will always remain in the “pain body”. 

Through therapy, my counselor and I would begin digging up various pain energies through my stories, memories, and moments that may have taken place during the day. She asked a lot of questions, and I took down a lot of notes!

When not in therapy, I was in a constant cycle of cursing myself for every moment I was feeling “bad”.  “Oh no! I’m NOT supposed to be feeling like this!” I was attaching myself with the emotional hell I carried around with me!

May I present to you this lovely designer junkyard carry on for the gal-on-the-go!

ENDING THE BELIEF that living life is a struggle….

As the counselor and I continued digging stuff up and putting them under a magnifying glass, I continued writing all sorts of things down in my creative journals (yes, I still have them).

I questioned my courage over and over. I questioned my “trust programs”. I questioned my “faith programs”. I wondered how there could ever be another side to the wall before me that had no doors or windows.

Alas, I DID finally make it to the other side! After months of giving counseling and writing my 100%, that wall magically dissolved! (It’s written down in my journal!) -I continue to believe in magic! -Which to me is really the “unseen” of miracles.

My spirit had awoken and I was seeing LIFE differently! Through spirit-and through heart! I was able to put together the greatest band I’d ever have because of my new mindset and clear path! My new beliefs were guiding me with all the wonderful things I could do!

I found myself in FLOW AND HARMONY with life for the very first time! I was inspired! I was thriving! I was creating and having fun! Many chances to prove my courage would come, but I was DOING what I LOVED and I always powered through, effortlessly.  Every breakthrough would lead to another and then to another.

The first healing was complete.

THE SECRET ATTRACTION

All in all, music has always been a constant for me-the good and the not so good. I believe that it’s what’s got me through that first part of my life, which I now believe was always meant to be a journey of healing.

The path I initially chose was probably a lot slower than it could have been…but still…I feel….

I’m right on time!

There is more. There is always more.

May you have courage. May you have faith. We are never alone, even if at times we feel like we are. We are not alone.

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